Update!
I wrote the below blog about a week ago but forgot to
post it - I have gone to the Dr and have been told that I am healthy and have
nothing to worry about - it is OK if we try for a second child. I guess we will
wait and see what happens:)
I realized today that it has been 5 full weeks since the
miscarriage and I am still so emotionally sick over the situation. I thought
that once my body healed that I would be able to put everything behind me and
start over – I was wrong. The miscarriage was over in a few hours but my body
didn’t heal for three weeks! I had one week off before my period arrived and
once again I was reminded daily of what I went through – of what I lost. Luckily
my period has ended and tomorrow I go to the Dr’s to get a check up and make
sure everything is OK. If everything is fine then we can start trying to get
pregnant again, which some days I am so confident while other days I am a puddle
of indecision. Should we have a second baby? Can I live through another
heartbreak? Will our marriage survive another miscarriage? This was probably the
hardest thing I have experienced and I am not sure I can do it again – I know
stronger women that have done it but I don’t seem to be made of the same
material. Brian and I have discussed our impending decision and I think we are
going to go with the same philosophy we have always lived by – if it is meant to
be we will have a second child – if it is not meant to be then we will not have
one. We won’t purposely try to get pregnant but we won’t prevent it either.
There are some days that I yearn to be pregnant again so much so, that my heart
aches and I feel empty and then there are other times that I am thankful that I
am not – that I don’t have to worry every day about another little one.
I am ashamed to admit that I have been avoiding some
really great friends because they are pregnant and I can’t stand the idea of
being reminded that I am not. I don’t wish them not to be pregnant – I just wish
I was – that I could join in with their happiness but I can’t. I hate myself for
looking at their extended bellies and feeling jealous! I have had to hide
friends on facebook because I can’t stand to look at their ultrasound pics. Am I
an awful person? I sure feel like it but that doesn’t change anything and I will
have to get over this because I really like these women and don’t want to lose
them as friends!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Evie Update!
I have found it difficult to write on my blog lately –
for many different reasons. Work, Motherhood and the Miscarriage has taken up a
ton of my time what little time left in the day I do get – I want to spend it
with Brian and Evie. I have decided that I am not going to taint my stories
about Evie with stories about the miscarriage so I will start a new tab for the
bad rants and will continue on this page with updates on my amazing Eviekins!
Updates for Evie
Evie will be 18 months at the end of December – where
did a year and half go? She is so sweet and kind – If I ask for a hug she will
put her head on my shoulder, say “mmmm”, and pat my back! She will also give me
kisses (not the icky open mouth suck fest) but cute little kisses on my lips.
When I pick her up at the end of the day she runs to me, throws herself into my
arms, puts her hands on my cheeks and giggles with delight. She walks around
with a stuffed animal tucked in each arm, giving them hugs and kisses. I have
never met a child so loving and kind – I worried terribly that she would change
when I went back to work but she has only gotten more sweet. She has been
staying with Stacy (my neighbor and friend) which contributes for her remaining
sweet- Stacy and her two children love Evie as if she is one of their own- I am
truly grateful that Stacy was willing watch Evie when I returned to work. The
past two weeks have been difficult because she is getting her canines in and is
coming down with a cold. Our nights are spent getting up, rubbing her back,
covering her with blankets and climbing back into bed just to have her start
crying 30 minutes later and repeat. We have found that if she wakes more than 3
times we just put her in the spare bed with one of us and then all of us sleep
better the rest of the night. We don’t want to get into a routine of her
sleeping with us but nothing is more sad then her crying for us when she doesn’t
feel good. Her vocabulary has expanded and her newest thing is to call everyone
Momma! I don’t love this but at least she knows my nameJ She has started jiber jabbering as she
walks around the house – it sounds like she is having a full conversation but I
have no idea what she is saying. She does know the word Book- She routinely
brings us books, hands them to us, and then asks to sit. She holds on to a book
while we read to her – she would do this all day if we would let her. She loves
being outside – kicking her ball or just walking around. She loves the Christmas
tree – she goes to – says “see” cause she wants to share it with us, and then
brings us an ornament off of it- I have to redecorate it every night but it is
so worth it. I also have my village up and she loves to look at the lights. We
are finished x-mas shopping and we did really well. Evie ended up with 4 new
books, 3 very small toys, a doll, and we bought her a toddler table with four
chairs. We are going to put the table together x-mas eve and set it with the tea
set I bought her – I cant wait to see her face in the morning!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Last wedding of the Season
Erik and Jodi's wedding
We celebrated our last wedding of the season - Brian's brother, Erik, married the love of his life, Jodi, this weekend. Their story is a beautiful, classic epic that began in highschool, ended for several years but then re-connected a few years ago! They have loved each other for over 20 years and we were lucky enough to share the moment they were able to commit to each other for the rest of their lives. It was an amazing ceremony that brought tears to my eyes and made me thankful to witness that moment.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Why Carve Pumpkins?
I found this to be an interesting little story I just came across when trying to find a recipe for pumpkin seeds and thought I would share with all of you:)
The story of the Jack o'Lantern comes from Irish folklore. Jack was a
crafty farmer who tricked the Devil into climbing a tall tree. When the Devil
reached the highest branch, Jack carved a large cross in the trunk, making it
impossible for the Devil to climb down.
In exchange for help getting out
of the tree, the Devil promised never to tempt Jack with evil again. When Jack
died, he was turned away from Heaven for his sins and turned away from Hell
because of his trickery. Condemned to wander the earth without rest, Jack carved
out one of his turnips, took an ember from the devil, and used it for a lantern
to light his way. He became known as "Jack of the Lantern."
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
15 month appt
Evie went to her 15 month dr appt today. All went well except she is still having a lot of trouble with her skin and we now have even more creams to lather her up with!
She weighed in at 26lbs = 90th %, 33 inches long = 95th%, and her head size is in the 95th%. She is now wearing exclusively 2T outfits and I am amazed at how much she is growing. She is starting to slim down and you can actually see a well defined stomach and a couple of rib bones but it is still hard to lug a 26lb toddler around. She is also walking very good, is cutting another tooth and made it through the last 3 shots she needs. She also has a great vocabulary - She can now point at something and say "SEE" to show me what she is interested in, she also asks to sit on the couch with us but standing in front of us and yelling "SIT" (I am trying to add Please to that sentence so it is less of a demand and more of a question:), Tree, Rockabye, tickle, doggy, cheese, and many other words escape her mouth through out the day.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Sleepy Girl
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Halloween Bash!!
Evie is
throwing a Halloween Bash for all of her friends - if you didn't get an invite
but want to come - stop on by October 30th at 3:00pm. I love Halloween- I love
the decorations, Garfield's Halloween Special, the candy, and anything
associated with the holiday except for dressing up. I love seeing all the
adorable children costumes and I enjoy adults that relish in becoming a new
character for a day but I do not like dressing up - I can never figure out what
to be and then it never looks the way I want it to. Luckily this party will
satisfy my desire to celebrate Halloween but will also allow me to go as myself,
which is the best costume of all - MOM!
So this spooktacular event will have a couple
of trick or treating stations where the children can knock on a door and receive
a treat (so far I have goody bags that will include a toothbrush and an apple,
Halloween books and Marissa will be providing plush monsters). There will also
be cider, cupcakes and yummy snacks. I think Evie will be dressing up as a
little fairy - I have a purple too too and wings for her, which will cost me
nothing and will look absolutely adorable!!!
On another note, my lovely child just climbed up her high chair so she could eat her leftovers from snack time and got stuck - OMG- she is going to give me a heart attack one of these days:)
On another note, my lovely child just climbed up her high chair so she could eat her leftovers from snack time and got stuck - OMG- she is going to give me a heart attack one of these days:)
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Dear Unrealised Dream,
You need to know you were loved from the moment you came into existence, that you were wanted and so real to me! I understand why you opted not to enter this cruel world, imperfect and flawed- it would have been too hard and so sad to watch. Know that I admire your tenacity for holding on to me as long you could and you are forgiven for finally letting go. Thank you for showing me the dreams that have been in my life all along, for teaching me to appreciate the dreams that did come true! I will miss your presence - even if it wasn't real, I will love you, even if you were only an unrealised dream. Sleep peacefully!
Love always and forever,
Mom
The Big "M" Word!
Some of
you may wonder why I am about to share some very sad news but I need to get this
story off my chest and I can't think of a better audience- my friends!! On
September 16th I found out I was pregnant (about 4 weeks) and Brian and I were
happy - we were going to provide Evie with a little sibling, I was going to
experience the joys of pregnancy again, and we were going to bring another
perfect little monster into this world. Everything seemed to progress normally-
my boobs hurt, I was nauseous, emotional, and feeling very pregnant. We
attempted to keep this information secret but soon our parents knew and they
told family and then we progressed to tell our close friends and then random
people. By the time I hit 10 weeks most of everyone knew and I was planning on
posting about it the following week after my first ultrasound. At this point
though I wasn't feeling very well - I kinda of felt empty and angry for no
reason. I had spotted slightly over a couple of weeks but kept telling myself
everything was OK. At my 10 week appt I asked the Dr to use the Doppler to hear
the heart beat - she forewarned me that it was very early and it probably
wouldn't work so I wasn't too disappointed when I couldn't hear anything but I
was def worried. I showed up to my 11 week ultrasound (by myself), anxious and
worried but hopeful that all would end well. I knew the minute the ultrasound
began that something was wrong - the Tech didn't point anything out and started
to tell me a very inane story to keep my attention away from what she was
doing. She then told me that we needed to do an internal - I asked if something
was wrong but she didn't want to comment so I went to the bathroom, went back to
the room and waited. She came back with the Dr. and they explained that the
ultrasound was showing that there was an empty egg sack - No Baby! They did the
internal- while I laid there hoping they were wrong but that did not happen.
The Dr. explained that I was going to miscarry - that a D & C was a
possibility but the best thing would be to go home and consider my options. I
was absolutely devastated and completely alone! The Dr. attempted to console me
but her hug and consolations were not comparable to my husband. I left in a
hurry - practically running to my car but not before I noticed a full waiting
room of expectant mothers - happy and excited for their appt and I thought "that
should be me". I immediately called Brian, which could not understand what I
was saying in between sobs but he knew something was wrong and that he would
meet me at home. He made it home five minutes after me, to find me on the back
porch, smoking a cigarette and drinking a glass of wine and sobbing
inconsolably. As my friend put it, "I hit the self destruct button" and I found
it comforting to immediately stop thinking of myself as pregnant. Evie spent
the night at my father's and we spent the night informing family and discussing
our options. I called a friend that had gone through two miscarriages and she
was able to explain what I was about to experience. It has been four days since
I found out - Emotionally I have come to terms that I will not carry a baby to
term or give birth in May. I believe that having Evie has helped me manage this
sad event much better than if this was my first pregnancy. I was also informed
that the fetus never developed past five weeks -I am not losing a tiny imperfect
baby - I am losing an egg that never developed. I never blamed Brian for not
being there but I know he feels guilty and I don't think he will ever leave me
alone during an important event ever again. Unfortunately, physically I am not
doing as well - I am slightly spotting and find myself uncomfortable (as if it
was a day or two before my period) but the miscarriage has not begun and it may
be days before I am finally able to put this behind me. I am fixated with the
knowledge that my body is going to go through a very traumatic experience but I
don't know when or how it will happen. I have been informed that this will not
be an easy transition but millions of women have gone through this so I am
confident that I am capable of dealing with it. If this doesn't occur on its
own a D&C maybe necessary but my Dr is confident that I should be able to do
this naturally, which is what I want because we can try for another pregnancy
after my first normal period- if I have to go through the D&C we will have
to wait three normal periods before trying again. I have decided that I won't
let this deter me - I won't let this defeat me- we want a second child and so we
will try until we succeed!! I am so sorry if this story has made you sad, or
worried, or upset in anyway but Thank you for listening and for being an
understanding friend.
I am so sorry, Fanesia. I can't imagine how hard it has been, and I'm thinking of you and Brian and Evie.
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